Lack of Compassion

I had so many expectations for this year, perhaps too many. My past disappointments weighed too heavily on my decision-making. Therefore I am containing myself in this narrow box of what I believe my life to be, ignoring that nagging instinct to pull out and dive head first into change and progress.


I am far too concerned with my own well-being right now to truly assess how my words and actions impact others. I feel that I failed to grasp the future I so longed for and now, bitterly, take it out on those who can't give me what I want. I can sense others' frustrations with my outlook but somehow find it easier to withdraw than to solve.

What could I do to make this life I'm in the life that I want?

• Expand my social circle


• Get back to writing poetry


• Therapy


• Keeping busy, physically and intellectually


• A new school

This is not what I imagined college to be like. I feel like my world has narrowed drastically since high school and I'm not sure how. In a school of 30,000 undergrads, how can you feel alone?

At first, I thought these changes were a good thing. I got to college and had a new outlook on life instantly. But how much of that was real and how much of that was forced? I'm growing more selfish here. I thought that these solid friendships that I've built were strong enough to survive my ever-present opinion. But whatever snapped in me 10th grade never really changed. I lost the filter for what's appropriate and what's not and am angered that I should have to amend my ways to make other people like me.

I think I misinterpreted the behavior of my friends. I want a warm and forgiving environment but I know of only a few people who could provide that for me. These newer friends of mine have probably always been unsure of how to interpret me. I thought that friends loved you for what makes you complex and different. I don't want to second-guess it, but the more I stand out and express myself as an individual, the less connected I feel.

I'm always waiting for one thing or another and always disappointed a little when I get what I've been waiting for.